A little back info ... playing catch up.

So just a little catch up for those of you who read me before and knew that I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and a laundry list of every old lady disease known to man. I'm not going to lie, it's been a really sucky two+ years. I have had days where I have been in more pain then I thought any human could go through and not pass out ... and remember, I had natural childbirth. I would gladly go through that again daily instead of having Fibro. Anyway, while I had my pity party I got in the habit of withdrawing and reaching out to people less and less. I was already housebound most days, so here I sat with one hand on the remote control and another stuffed in the bottom of a bag of potato chips. And of course I was also on steroids for a year ... oh what lovely things they do for a girls figure. Long story short, by the time I decided that death by cupcake was not how I wanted to go - I had grown so large (332 although I am 324 as of yesterday) that even eating correctly/healthy for weeks the scale barely budged because I couldn't even walk 50 feet without turning bright red and profusely sweating (BP was 180/110), become short of breath (I would guess that my weight and my 60 pound boobs ::LOL:: were crushing my lungs) and the pain in my back and legs went into overdrive and I have sat on a mall bench reduced to tears more then once.

So I sat at home which I have now nic named "Grey Garden" and myself "Little Edie" (PLEASE tell me that at least one of you saw the HBO special or the original documentary?!) and one day both my son Joey and Wendy said to me "did you know that there is an anti depressant that they found works wonders on Fibromyalgia patients?" Well I had seen the commercials for this medication - those people were so horrifically depressed that they looked like they had one foot off the ledge already. I wasn't depressed, I didn't need this pill. But to shut them up and keep them from nagging me I did some research (http://www.cymbalta.com/) and found that you don't have to be depressed for this drug to help with your Fibro. I asked my doctors about it. and my family doctor said "hey it can't hurt, right?" and gave me 5 weeks worth of samples. Four and a half weeks ago I started taking 60mg of Cymbalta a day ... and I feel better then I have in over two years! I drove my car for the first time in over 7 months yesterday! I am far from pain free, but every day I feel stronger and can do more with LESS pain pills!

Along with the surgery (which I am really hoping for July if not sooner) I am getting a treadmill and I am going to push myself to get on that thing every day. I figure even if I start doing 2 minutes at a time, it's more then I'm doing now, right? And it will only increase and get better every day .. or even week ... but it WILL get better. And of course the added benefit is there is no pressure ... if I walk around my block and my back pain cuts my breath off and I can't make it home I would be stuck and so embarrassed - this way I'm in my own home and can curl up in a ball on the floor(Chihuahuas all around me, lol) and wait it out until the pain passes. Eventually I hope to only need the treadmill in the winter months ... by next summer I hope to be walking, swimming, biking ... even camping/hiking.
Hey a girl's gotta dream, ya know?

One last thing that I want to address. I wanted to be honest with all of you who have followed me for years watching me lose the weight and pack it back on, only to lose it again, put back on even more. I didn't want to suddenly lose the weight and anyone that is still struggling to think "dam she did it, why can't I ... what's wrong with me?!?" This is NOT about anyone else who has or has not done surgery ... I can only speak about myself and my reasons for doing this. I thought about this surgery years ago but knew I was no where near MENTALLY ready for it. To be honest I'm not sure I am mentally ready now, but my family is rich in heart disease and diabetics and I don't want to die. Drama Queen I know, lol ... but I choose my kids, my grandkids, my relationship ... even my dam dogs over food. I put in all the hard work, blood, sweat and tears for most of the years of my life, I want to be here to see how this book ends and reap all the sweet rewards of being a daffy housecoat wearing old lady with ankle biters to spoil and a cocktail every evening on the front porch. Rocking in my rocking chair, and smiling ear to ear.

I'm ready for this surgery ... I've thought it out very seriously ... I understand what I am giving up, but more importantly I understand what I am gaining. Food has always been there for me over the years, something I mistook as a loyal friend. But it's a friend who does not have my best interest at heart - one that pretends to care about me only to tear me down and hurt me over and over again ... I've had my fill of those kind of friends .... I'm cut'n loose ..... and I can't wait to see who I am at the end of this adventure.

Thanks to anyone who is coming along for yet another ride with me ... I think I am going to need a ton of REAL friends to get through this in one piece. So to lurkers ... or old/ex stalkers ::vbeg:: ... old Fat Chics and FuCKIRs mailing lists, or anyone who I have known over the years in AOL journals etc ... please come out and say "hi".