I'm Outta Here

Hey Kids ...

I'm outta here. Blogger is on my last nerve, the last straw being when I somehow "hid" my comments and now can't get them back! I'm over it. I REALLY hope to keep in touch with some of you so please come follow me on Twitter (OhSoStacy) and/or write to me at FatBeGoneStacy@aol.com and I will give you my blackberry address so we can stay in touch while I'm in the hospital etc. I hope to find a blog source that fits with me eventually because I will really miss this. But until then I guess I am back to just emails, phone calls and text messages.

Talk to you soon.

12 days and counting!!!

Counting down and stuff

Well we are 2 weeks, 2 days and a night away from surgery. If I knew what time my surgery was I would be giving you the hours and minutes too. ::vbg::

It's kind of funny but my mind is in two places right now. On one hand I can't help but think of things in terms of "last time I'll have this" and it makes me want to pig out ... but I guess that is where what little common sense I have left kicks in. Yea I am eating some of my favorite foods, but I honestly and truly want to stop there. Meaning I haven't finished anything that I have started eating and I certainly haven't gone back for seconds or raided the frig at night etc. I'm feeling really good about this and I get more and more excited about the surgery every day.

I have an appointment with my regular doctor on Tuesday to talk about switching some of my meds over to liquid form after the surgery. But also I have to be really honest ... I thank God that I have been on the Cymbalta (which was actually an anti depressant first) for the Fibro these past months because I have been so sad about Simba that I didn't know if I would ever stop crying. On top of that, my youngest has broken my heart again. No not even close to like before. And no I don't want or need to talk about it (but thank you). But I know how great I am at sabotaging myself and I could see me using these two "excuses" to eat through every fast food joint in town for the next two weeks and having the surgeon refuse to operate on me! On top of that I have my period AGAIN - a week after the last one! Anyway my point is that I'm glad I'm "on" something to balance things out because I have about a million emotions bouncing around right now and I feel like I could jump out of my skin, lol.


BTW I was watching Big Medicine and I saw a patient with the liver problem that the doctor is doing the biopsy for. First of all ... EWwwwwww ... secondly double Ewwwwww Ewwwwww.

Oh I keep meaning to ask - does anyone take the liquid (or is it powder) vitamins that you mix in water? I think it's "One a Day" that had them first. Has anyone tried them?

18 Days Left to Eat

Well I confess, I had a Whopper today, it was freak'n awesome . .. and I'm not even embarrassed. ::vbeg:: Did you know that those sons of bitches have made cheese filled tatter tots? Lord give me strength. And no I did not have pie or a shake or noth'n .... ya know besides my 1,200 calorie burger ... and a handful of fries. ::G::

Do any of you drink suppliment protein drinks during the day? Anything from Carnation Breakfast, Slim Fast, New Wey, Special K? If you do and there is a line or flavor that you really like, please let me know about it.

I have been doing "Madonna's arm rolls" while I'm sitting, and trying to firm up that lower arm wiggle. Those puppies hurt. I started by doing only 5, then everyday increased by 5 until I got to 75 ... now I do a set of 75 twice a day. I'm also making slow progress on the treadmill and am digging out my Wii fit this weekend! The doctor says I am high risk because of being so immobile and I really need to push it and the blood going in my legs - especially after the surgery.

Do any of you watch "Big Medicine" with the father and son surgeons who do a lot of GBS? I am SOO addicted to this show but it now dropped down to only airing once a week so I had to buy the boxed set - you know if it gets here tomorrow I will watch the entire season and will actually be insane enough to watch it as I am stuffing my Fourth of July wennies and goodies into my mouth. I'm wack like that.

19 days til surgery. ::sigh ... nervous giggle::

HEY does anyone talk to Kristina? Her surgery is on Tuesday isn't it? I would love to hear how she is doing and if she is nervous.

Have a happy, safe, wonderful Fourth of July weekend.

Surgery ... Joey and Stef

Saw the surgeon today. Good news is that during PMS and through all the stress with Simba I lost another 5 pounds, so I didn't get yelled at - in fact I got a bozo button because he said I have lost 9 pounds more then he thought I would. I would love to say "look at me ain't I the shit - but he only expected 6 pounds in 3 months ::G:: so it wasn't exactly difficult to do. Anyway, my surgery date is July 22nd. They are also doing a liver biopsy while they have me on the table because my liver stats looked hinky in the testing. I'm hoping it's just going to be fatty deposits because of my weight because the other two options he gave just don't sound fun at all. He actually said the words "liver transplant" while explaining things to us ... WHY would you say those words to a PMSing woman who can't eat double stuffed oreos?

OMG I have 21 days left to eat ... for the rest of my life. ::vbeg:: What should I have as my "Last Meal"?

I talked to Joey tonight after I got home and of course he is worried about his Mom ... but what really warmed my heart is that Stefanie was with him and asked if she was allowed to come to the hospital the day of my surgery ... and she offered to take me to my pre op admission bloodwork. I just love this girl. My fear is that I'm not lucky enough that my son will actually MARRY someone this sweet. That my getting to know and care about her is just some cruel trick being played on me by the universe. And that he will really end up with some stripper named "Candi Cane"with 6 kids who will hate me and forbid my boy to see me except on Christmas and birthdays ... and only then to collect their presents. ::Wink::

My Poor Simba .... Final surgeon appointment?

::Tears::
My 120 pounds of velcro, Simba died this morning. It has been heartbreaking watching him decline so quickly, but once he was in pain it was truly unbearable . I miss him already and can't imagine waking up tomorrow morning without his gentle nudge.

What I really came to tell you all is that tomorrow is a big day ... I should know my surgery date by the time I leave the doctors office. It's about time, huh? I'll be sure to at least Tweet and let you know so we can start the countdown. ::G::

I'm grateful to have something to obsess on and help get my mind off being so sad.

Back from my bender. ::vbeg::

I'm teasing. There was no food bender. In fact I have lost 17 pounds! They have me cutting out the soda completely, cutting out the fast food and junk and preparing to eat healthy. Plus I bought a treadmill .... so I have been losing a couple of pounds each week. Yeah me.

I did go MIA which most of you know I do from time to time. To say I have been overwhelmed is an understatement ....

* First Ben came home for a month which kept us really busy.

* Bobby and Rhea graduated from R.I.T

* The tests. Many tests and doctors appointments. Since I have posted I have had two sleep studies. They do them in the Sheraton overlooking the city. The first was kind of fun because I had the most adorable tech taking care of me all night and we talked and joked and watched American Idol. The second one was a nightmare ... with a FULL breathing face mask. I didn't take either seriously and only thought of it as something that I had to complete as a requirement for the surgery. Well the other day I had an appointment with the Sleep Apnea doctor. The most gorgeous South African doctor I have ever seen. His accent was intoxicating and I have no idea what he said to me ... except ... I apparently stop breathing 60 times an hour!! Now that still isn't enough to make me wear that Darth Vader mask to bed every night BUT it is enough to scare me into wearing it in the hospital after surgery. He explained to me that between being put under and the pain medication that my sleep apnea could be a very serious condition the hours right after surgery. So I gave in (I would have stripped naked and danced on this mans desk if he had asked me to! ::G::) and agreed to be fitted for my very own mask. Which you KNOW I will be adding stones and bling to!

More test: EKG and evaluation with the heart doctor. She said I was good and strong but saw something minor that she thought called for a stress echo to make sure I can withstand the surgery.

The stress echo was not half as bad as I thought. The highlight of my day was when the doc told me that they were having a difficult time getting a clear ultrasound of my heart because my breasts are so large. (thank you, thank you very much!) ::sigh:: Anyway, my resting heart beat is so dam high that I only had to do 4 minutes on the treadmill. For a normal person that may not be much but for Miss Fibromyalgia ass it was like a days hike up a mountain. But I got it done. Boobies flap'n in the breeze and all.

Also: The Shrink. $275 out of my pocket (I was SO mad about that) and they told me what I already know - I medicate with food. Gee, ya think?

Another follow up with the surgeon and a nutritionist to be sure I have tappered my food and am still serious about the surgery.

What I have left to complete is the acutal appointment to go have my face measured for the mask and that is on Monday. And a final appointment with the surgeon on the 30th. We are thinking the surgery with be sometime in the first two weeks of July. Keep your fingers crossed for me please ... I am so tired of preparing and just want to DO IT!


* I have been spending some time with Joey's girlfriend Stefanie and getting to know her. I absolutely adore this girl and if my son ever breaks up with her I am thinking of keeping her instead. ::G:: She looks just like Anna Pacquin from "True Blood" ... ok ok ok, I'm the only one that thinks that. Even she and Joey don't see it like I do. But she's a cutie and sweet and so good for my kid. I couldn't be happier for him.

* And lastly something that is totally breaking my heart (and my back literally). My big dog (120 pounds) Simba has Lyme disease and has lost the use of his back legs. The vet thinks it will improve drastically with the medications ... and he is on pain pills to keep him comfortable ... but I have to take him in and out of the house (and down 3 steps) with a sling holding his hind end up every couple of hours and it's just killing me - emotionally and physically. This dog is my fierce protector and has been with me for 10 years, I can't imagine losing him.

So that's my update. I'm hoping life has slowed down enough around here that I can get back to blogging everyday. I have so many thoughts/concerns that I want to talk about here concerning the surgery. It seems like the closer it gets the more excited I get but also the more worried if I am doing the right thing.

What have I missed on YOUR end?? What is going on with everyone? Please leave me a comment or send me an email and tell me what is going on in your life and what I have missed out on.

R.I.P Stanley the bad bad snake

Just a quick "hi". I didn't have any pre-op testing this week thankfully. But I do have the first Gastric Bypass support group meeting next week which I can't wait to go to. I want to hear if weeks or months out if anyone says they regret it. And how they deal with issues like the whole "non drinking" thing which has me really freaked out.

Ben comes home this weekend so we are all running around like chickens without their heads trying to get things ready for him. The last I heard we are going to have him for 15 days but that seemed to changed moment to moment.

Oh and I killed a snake today!! I know, I know - the crazy home zoo keeper killing one of God's creators - believe me, it wasn't easy. BUT it was slithering toward my babies (chihuahuas) and "Go get out of here" just wasn't working ... so I detached his head with a hoe and smashed his heart with a rock. ::g:: And how was your day?

What a weekend

Well the miagraine from hell wasn't just a miagraine ... I had FOOD POSIONING! It was the most violently ill that I have ever been in my life. I threw up from my toes until I was so weak that I could barely make it out of the bathroom. You can only imagine my momentary horror to wake up to the headlines of "Swine Flu", lol. It was just horrible. I guess because I am such a medical mess anyway, it has taken me a few days to regroup and regain my strength. I am still scared to death to eat. My poor dog Simba is so in tune with me that he just stood out in the hallway whimpering and throwing up, lol. And poor poor Wendy got stuck cleaning up a mess that was worse then any zombie movie. It was a horrible weekend. One good thing that came out of it is I went from 324 to 309. One or two more bout of that and I won't need the surgery afterall, lol.

I've had set dinner plans to take Joey and his girlfriend Stefanie out tonight to a new Japanese steakhouse that I found coming home from testing at the hospital. I have been so excited about this dinner. I have waited 21 years for a daughter, lol. I know they aren't even close to getting married, but until I get a daughter (that lives close by) she's stuck with me. ::g::

So does anyone have any Dancing with the Stars opinions? American Idol? Oh did anyone watch "The Wrestler" over the weekend? I'm not saying it was a great movie, but I really was surprised by him. Anyone else?

I have the migraine from hell today so I'm laying in a dark room with a blanket of chihuahuas and praying for pretend death. I am sooo miserable.

Be Kind to your fellow Chubbies

Today I came across a blog of an old "friend" who I had parted ways with some time ago, and not in a very friendly manner.
(big surprise, I know ::vbeg::)
Anyway, if I am being honest in the telling of this story I have to say two things #1 she was kicking my ass in the weight loss department and #2 she knew it, and liked to get on her high horse from time to time ... as most of us do when we are in the groove and looking fabulous. In reading her blog today I come to find out that she is not doing so well in the battle ... and if you read between the lines I am thinking she has put most, if not all of her weight back on.

Now let's all be real, back in the day this may have tickled me pink and induced an evil cackle and finger pointing to the not always kind "those we do not speak of". But in the past few weeks since I have revisted my life long struggle to beat this demon yet again, I have met up with 8 once dear friends, who find themselves in exactly the same situation. Some live in shame and have only admitted their situation to very few. Some have secretly had surgery. Some cry every day. The bottom line is, people who I have cared about in my life, past or present, are suffering. And they think they are alone or need to be embarrassed for doing the very same thing that (maybe you and) I have done. And that doesn't make me want to laugh or gossip, it makes me really sad.

Why is it that sometimes those that give us big girls the hardest time, is other big girls? Remember me staring at that poor mayo face lady in the Subway sandwich shop, feeling superior because I had dropped a few pounds?
::still hanging head in shame::
Why is it that fat people are usually the only ones that say all snarky like that Gastric Bypass or Lapband Surgery is the "easy way out"? You bitches know if it was easy you would have done been had it already! ::vbeg:: Yes, unlike those of you who have to rely strongly on your willpower, my choices will be limited for me once I have my stomach made into an ounce pouch. One choice, eat an ounce of food. Second choice, eat 2 ounces of food and double over in pain for 5 hours, shit my pants, break out in a cold sweat, and possibly split my stomach open. Monty I'll take door number one! But this is for the rest of my life. Let me say that again. The rest of my life. Forever. No more things that I love and that make me happy. At least not the way I have come to know them. No more Thanksgiving dinner, bucket of popcorn and a soda at a movie, birthday dinner with birthday cake, all you can eat buffet. No more going on vacation and cheating for a few days. Enjoying a gourmet meal at a wedding. Granted the amount of fish, tofu, soy and chicken (aka to some as food) does slowly increase. And yes if I loose my ever love'n mind I can eat more everyday until I slowly stretch the pouch until I can eat a milkshake, fries, a burger and double blondie ... but if I do, I personally give you all permission to shoot me in the F'n head! This is far from the easy way out. This is trading my short fat life for a longer life that is completely foreign to me and where I have no idea where or how to find happiness. I'm excited, but also scared to death.


Now onto American Idol ... Lil you were the Steve Wozniack of AI, it was time. Anoop, I liked you but there was no one else that could go home this week ... Chris amazed us for the very first time and couldn't be sacraficed.

Tomorrow night is date night. A marathon of "28 Days" and "28 weeks later". I can't wait.

It is supposed to be in the high 80's all weekend and we have yard work planned, so if I go MIA it's most likely because I have fainted from over supervising and am being fanned in the shade with a nice iced Long Island Ice Tea. ::G:: Have a great weekend ladies!

Today and Personal updates

So did I mention that I am on day 8 of my period? WTF? And each day it gets heavier and heavier. I have a migraine from hell and I am over it all. PLEASE let me pre-mennie and this will be down with soon.

Ben gets leave for 10 days next month - we are on red alert just waiting for the phone call of exactly which week he will come home. It would be great if he is here on May 22 to see Bobby graduate from R.I.T.

Joey changed his major at college during the winter break and also changed schools. He came home to live for what was supposed to be a short stay to pick up some community college classes and pick a new University to attend. He ended up loving his professors here and really enjoying his classes, so he is sticking around a little longer. Mom couldn't be happier. Since then he has totally fallen head over heels for the first time for a Kindergarten teacher named Stefanie. I have never seen him act this way with any other girl and I think she is really good for him. We are all very scared because Stef had a "bad pap smear" and a week from today goes to a second specialist because they fear she has cancer. Please keep her in your prayers. I don't think my boy would survive losing her.

Tony still lives with Rick ... it breaks my heart.

Other then that we are currently obsessed about me getting more and more mobile ... and of course the surgery. Things couldn't be better in our relationship .... I guess that happens when they know you are going to be skinny with perky boobies sometime soon. ::vbeg::

BTW I posted a time line with dates of steps I need to take to get me to surgery on the sidebar. And don't forget to leave me blog addresses!

A little back info ... playing catch up.

So just a little catch up for those of you who read me before and knew that I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and a laundry list of every old lady disease known to man. I'm not going to lie, it's been a really sucky two+ years. I have had days where I have been in more pain then I thought any human could go through and not pass out ... and remember, I had natural childbirth. I would gladly go through that again daily instead of having Fibro. Anyway, while I had my pity party I got in the habit of withdrawing and reaching out to people less and less. I was already housebound most days, so here I sat with one hand on the remote control and another stuffed in the bottom of a bag of potato chips. And of course I was also on steroids for a year ... oh what lovely things they do for a girls figure. Long story short, by the time I decided that death by cupcake was not how I wanted to go - I had grown so large (332 although I am 324 as of yesterday) that even eating correctly/healthy for weeks the scale barely budged because I couldn't even walk 50 feet without turning bright red and profusely sweating (BP was 180/110), become short of breath (I would guess that my weight and my 60 pound boobs ::LOL:: were crushing my lungs) and the pain in my back and legs went into overdrive and I have sat on a mall bench reduced to tears more then once.

So I sat at home which I have now nic named "Grey Garden" and myself "Little Edie" (PLEASE tell me that at least one of you saw the HBO special or the original documentary?!) and one day both my son Joey and Wendy said to me "did you know that there is an anti depressant that they found works wonders on Fibromyalgia patients?" Well I had seen the commercials for this medication - those people were so horrifically depressed that they looked like they had one foot off the ledge already. I wasn't depressed, I didn't need this pill. But to shut them up and keep them from nagging me I did some research (http://www.cymbalta.com/) and found that you don't have to be depressed for this drug to help with your Fibro. I asked my doctors about it. and my family doctor said "hey it can't hurt, right?" and gave me 5 weeks worth of samples. Four and a half weeks ago I started taking 60mg of Cymbalta a day ... and I feel better then I have in over two years! I drove my car for the first time in over 7 months yesterday! I am far from pain free, but every day I feel stronger and can do more with LESS pain pills!

Along with the surgery (which I am really hoping for July if not sooner) I am getting a treadmill and I am going to push myself to get on that thing every day. I figure even if I start doing 2 minutes at a time, it's more then I'm doing now, right? And it will only increase and get better every day .. or even week ... but it WILL get better. And of course the added benefit is there is no pressure ... if I walk around my block and my back pain cuts my breath off and I can't make it home I would be stuck and so embarrassed - this way I'm in my own home and can curl up in a ball on the floor(Chihuahuas all around me, lol) and wait it out until the pain passes. Eventually I hope to only need the treadmill in the winter months ... by next summer I hope to be walking, swimming, biking ... even camping/hiking.
Hey a girl's gotta dream, ya know?

One last thing that I want to address. I wanted to be honest with all of you who have followed me for years watching me lose the weight and pack it back on, only to lose it again, put back on even more. I didn't want to suddenly lose the weight and anyone that is still struggling to think "dam she did it, why can't I ... what's wrong with me?!?" This is NOT about anyone else who has or has not done surgery ... I can only speak about myself and my reasons for doing this. I thought about this surgery years ago but knew I was no where near MENTALLY ready for it. To be honest I'm not sure I am mentally ready now, but my family is rich in heart disease and diabetics and I don't want to die. Drama Queen I know, lol ... but I choose my kids, my grandkids, my relationship ... even my dam dogs over food. I put in all the hard work, blood, sweat and tears for most of the years of my life, I want to be here to see how this book ends and reap all the sweet rewards of being a daffy housecoat wearing old lady with ankle biters to spoil and a cocktail every evening on the front porch. Rocking in my rocking chair, and smiling ear to ear.

I'm ready for this surgery ... I've thought it out very seriously ... I understand what I am giving up, but more importantly I understand what I am gaining. Food has always been there for me over the years, something I mistook as a loyal friend. But it's a friend who does not have my best interest at heart - one that pretends to care about me only to tear me down and hurt me over and over again ... I've had my fill of those kind of friends .... I'm cut'n loose ..... and I can't wait to see who I am at the end of this adventure.

Thanks to anyone who is coming along for yet another ride with me ... I think I am going to need a ton of REAL friends to get through this in one piece. So to lurkers ... or old/ex stalkers ::vbeg:: ... old Fat Chics and FuCKIRs mailing lists, or anyone who I have known over the years in AOL journals etc ... please come out and say "hi".

::sigh:: Here we go, starting over yet again with another blog. I am going to talk non stop about the Gastric Bypass Surgery and of course the Fibro ... but I don't want to limit this blog to just those topics. Anyone that has read me in the past knows I can ramble on and on about ... well nothing, lol ... but my life seems to be one big practical joke that provides endless blogging material ::g::

I'm going to try to find my way around here at Blogger.com - anyone with tips, tricks and advice on how to use it would be great. I hope to phase out the Facebook completely and hope that anyone that was following me and can find their way over here. Let me know you are here, ok?